BLAST FROM THE PAST

There's that feeling of knowing you let yourself down, knowing you could have done better, laying down to sleep and thinking that if you will it hard enough, you could go back in time and do things over(even though you have tried and failed for most of your life). Heck...you sometimes even dream that it is that day again, that you're in that moment-the moment before the moment everything went downhill. The moment when you decided to go right instead of left and have to forever live with that part of your history forever.

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It felt just like every other April morning, the snow was finally melting and spring was fighting its way out of its deep slumber. She was not deceived though, she knew old man winter was going to strike again before long. 5 wintry years had taught her indellible lessons. She walked down the familiar hill toward the familiar room. But this time the room was going to be serving another purpose. It was going to be the site of the 3 battles of a war. She tried to feel for the usual eye sting she got whenever she did not quite get those 7 hours. Slightly there, but certainly not as much as the first time. We can definately work with that. She made a mental account of the many sleepless nights that had led till today...hopefully they were enough. The room was now in sight and she took in the surroundings. They were going to be her home for the next few hours. Too many hours. She noticed her wide eyed counterparts...all chitter chattering in little hurdles, clutching their drug of choice. She had since learned that the best way to face this was cold turkey, better to be a little slow at first than have to fight the caffeine gitters for the next few hours. If only they knew what lay ahead. She did.

They all took their seats. The battle was about to begin. She glanced around one last time to see if there was anyone noticeably crumbling under pressure. It was a tough crew...everyone with their game face on. She mentally recited the rules of the battle along with the general...there had to be some points for remembering those-for being a real veteran. Battle 1 began. She recalled the pattern. Attack the weaker foes first in under 15 minutes and move on to conquer the tough ones. Today though the supposedly weaker foes seemed to have gained a new kind of strength, they weren't giving in easily. She knew the drill...it was 15 mins,leave them and proceed. Leave them and proceed. But the demons from her past wouldn't let her go.

"You have to do them, they're easy spoils, they're your chance"

"But I have to move on, there's bigger foes to conquer"

"But how do you know you will conquer the bigger foes, remember this has to be your last attempt at this war?"

20 minutes and counting...

"Ok I'll give it another try..."

30 minutes

She gave up, and moved on. But now she had eaten into the time for the rest of the battle. Her heart was pounding.

"Why didn't I just move on?"

She rushed through the rest of the battleground, slashing throats blindly with no time to verify the enemy was completely down. The more enemies she attacked, the higher the chance of her at least killing some.

Battle 1 was over. All the foes were down but she was positive they were not all out. Among all her past wars, battle 1 had never felt this way. This was bad. She was convinced her best bet was to surrender before the other 2 battles. Give up, walk home and roll back into bed.

Not in this lifetime...

Battle 2 started. But she never really concentrated, the wounds of the first battle were still hunting her.

"Why didn't I just move on"

"Why, Why...But it's now the past, must concentrate on this one"

The voices silenced themselves but not entirely. They relocated to her subconscious and the whole battle seemed to play out in slow motion. She was doing the conquering but she knew this wasn't the same either. Her mind wasn't right. She chugged along, the thoughts of ejecting herself mid battle creeped in again.

"CONCENTRATE DARN IT!!!"

The final battle was her strong point. She had studied this enemy for most of her life and knew it like the back of her hand. By this time all the thoughts in her subconscious seemed to have been silenced. Everything went smoothly. There was even time to make sure each enemy was completely out. That had never happened in the last two wars. It was definately a good sign. She approached the general after the war. At this moment, the happenings of the earlier battles revived themselves. You might have one the final battle but what about the other two? She had one more chance to cancel the whole experience...erase it from time like it had never happened. Again the blatant answer was "NO!"

She walked out...it would take 6 weeks to count the number of foes that she actually conquered. 6 long weeks. She stepped out into the open...the day always seemed different after a war. You felt like you had just faced death and lived to tell the story. The grasses looked a bit greener and the dirty melting snow a bit whiter. No matter the situation, this was going to be her last time in battle. 3 times was more than enough...whatever happens here on, HAPPENS.

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Something did happen. The dreams began.

To be continued...